Here's play #16
Paperwork Earl
T. Roske
Collette: Female, younger than Mildred.
Mildred: Female, older.
Note:
Even though there are two chairs, Collette doesn’t have to sit and Mildred
doesn’t have to remain seated.
(Lights
up. There are two chairs. Mildred is sitting in one and flipping through papers
on a clipboard. After a pause, Collette enters, slightly bewildered.)
MILDRED
Ah, Collette, there you
are.
COLLETTE
Where? I’m sorry. I
seem to be lost.
MILDRED
Disorientation, dear,
just part of the process. Come, we have paperwork.
COLLETTE
Paperwork?
MILDRED
Oh, yes. There’s always
paperwork. Being born: paperwork. Getting married: paperwork. Buying a house:
paperwork. Committing suicide: paperwork.
COLLETTE
No I remember....
MILDRED
Does take a while. Shall
we?
COLLETTE
Who are you?
MILDRED
I’m Mildred. Now, the
paperwork?
COLLETTE
How do I know you?
MILDRED
Really, dear, think
hard. I am the personification of your Super Ego. You have killed yourself
--
COLLETTE
Pills. I took a bottle
of pills. My moms.
MILDRED
Yes, yes, we both know
that already. Now, paperwork?
COLLETTE
If I’m dead, why do I
need to do paperwork?
MILDRED
The paperwork is to
determine if you really, truly wish to cease to exist. We’ve been through this
before. Shall we begin.
COLLETTE
I don’t need paperwork.
I know I want to die.
MILDRED
One: Do you want to
die? Answer: Yes. Well, we’re moving right along.
COLLETTE
Seems to me that we
could stop right there and get on with the part where I’m just allowed to die
and be done with all this.
MILDRED
Dear, lots of people
want to die but they never carry out the act of suicide. So that isn’t the end
of the paperwork. No. Not by a long shot.
(Beat)
Two?
COLLETTE
Fine. Just. Just hurry.
MILDRED
Got someplace to go? Oh,
ha ha! I am such a hoot.
(Clears
throat.)
Where was -- oh, yes.
Two: Did you leave a note? If so, why?
COLLETTE
Yes. I wanted to say
good bye. And explain.
MILDRED
Oh, how thoughtful. All
right, three: Will you be missed.
COLLETTE
Oh, doubtful.
MILDRED
Are you sure? Be sure,
dearie, we want the paperwork filled in properly and completely.
COLLETTE
Why?
MILDRED
Because it’s paperwork
and paperwork is always filled in properly and completely.
COLLETTE
It. That doesn’t make
any sense.
MILDRED
That’s paperwork for
you. Again, will you be missed.
COLLETTE
Oh.... Maybe. Couple of
the girls at school.
MILDRED
Parents.
COLLETTE
No. I don’t know.
Maybe. They’ll probably be relieved.
MILDRED
Relieved that their
daughter has - oh, what’s the charming phrase? Oh, yes! - has offed herself?
They’ll be glad to no longer have you around?
COLLETTE
They don’t act like
they would. Oh, sometimes they seem to care. Mom’s always trying to talk to me,
but she’d never understand.
MILDRED
Which you know because
you actually talked to her and discovered she didn’t understand.
COLLETTE
Well, no. I guess. Not
exactly. See. I just knew she wouldn’t understand.
MILDRED
So you didn’t even try?
Tsk tsk.
COLLETTE
She’s my mom. What
would she know?
MILDRED
What indeed. Anyone
else going to miss you?
COLLETTE
She’s always just
cheerful and positive. I don’t think she’s ever hurt - inside - ever.
MILDRED
I’m sorry? Who is this?
COLLETTE
My mother.
MILDRED
Oh, we’re still on
that? I see. Well, I’m sure she’ll be hurting now, yes?
COLLETTE
Oh. Yes. I suppose.
MILDRED
Wonderful. Anyone else
that’ll miss you?
COLLETTE
Toby.
MILDRED
The cat?
COLLETTE
Yes, the cat. My cat.
I’ve had her since she was a kitten. Always there. I could talk to her. She
didn’t try to judge or tell me what to do or how to do it. She always tries to
sleep on the pillow at night.
MILDRED
Well, she won’t have to
share it with anyone now. Moving on. Three: Will you miss anyone?
COLLETTE
No.
MILDRED
No? Want to give that
some thought?
COLLETTE
No. Yes. I don’t know.
Toby, obviously.
MILDRED
Obviously.
COLLETTE
And - maybe - the girls
in my group. Sasha, Amy, Joe, Nikki.
MILDRED
Hm?
COLLETTE
Yeah, fine. Probably my
parents. Oh, and Ms Filliger, the history teacher. She was always telling us
cool stories in school. Kept telling me how great I’d do in college.
MILDRED
Well, you sure showed
her.
COLLETTE
What? What’s that
supposed to mean.
MILDRED
You’ve committed
suicide. So you won’t be going to college and so you won’t do great in it. You
showed her what’s what. Next --
COLLETTE
I don’t want to do this
anymore.
MILDRED
That’s not an option.
If you don’t finish the paperwork you can’t die.
COLLETTE
I know. I remember that
from last time.
MILDRED
Times.
COLLETTE
Times? What?
MILDRED
Three is plural. So,
not ‘time,’ but ‘times.’
COLLETTE
I don’t like you.
MILDRED
That doesn’t address
the fact that you haven’t completed the paperwork.
COLLETTE
I refuse. What are you
going to do about that?
MILDRED
If you don’t complete
the paperwork you can’t go on and will have to go back.
COLLETTE
Really!? Fine. Okay,
then. I’ll go back.
MILDRED
I thought you wanted to
die?
COLLETTE
Well.... I remembered a
few things I wanted to do first.
MILDRED
Hm. Well, if you’re
refusing to finish the paperwork --
COLLETTE
I am.
MILDRED
Don’t be in such a
rush. I was saying that if you don’t want to finish the paperwork you’ll have
to return to your life, such that it is.
COLLETTE
Good. How...?
MILDRED
That way, dearie.
COLLETTE
Thank you. And good
bye.
MILDRED
Maybe next time we can
finish the paperwork?
COLLETTE
Yes. In another sixty
or seventy years.
(Exits)
MILDRED
That’s the spirit.
(Lights
down.)
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