Play #21. Started as a dream, ended as a sketch.

Well, it might not have been a dream. But I was laying in bed and I was trying to sleep. But I was also wondering what I would write today. I still haven't written yesterday's play. (Last year seemed so much easier. But I didn't have an infant daughter then, either.) Anyway. So today's play is really more of a sketch because no one has really changed. And what they want - well, what one of the characters wanted - wasn't really fully realized or clear. Still, it's something that I could build on or incorporate elsewhere and that's part of the reason I do the 31 Plays In 31 Days project. Play appears below.

Bail                                                                                                                    Earl T. Roske

Conrad:        Human.

Manny:         Human.

(Lights up on a boat - rowboat size. Conrad and Manny are in the boat. Both have bailing buckets, but only Manny is bailing.)

                                                                              MANNY

Is there a problem?

                                                                              CONRAD

Yes, there’s a problem. I’m not sure that bailing is the right idea.

                                                                              MANNY

Not the right idea? Look. There’s water in the boat. Theoretically, the idea of a boat is too keep the water out, thus allowing the boat to stay afloat. All I’m suggesting is that we put the water back where it belongs.

                                                                              CONRAD

Outside the boat.

                                                                              MANNY
Now your on to it. Start bailing.

                                                                              CONRAD

Maybe the water that’s in the boat wants to separate itself from the water outside the boat.

                                                                              MANNY

What? Are you implying that the water in the boat may be seeking asylum from the water outside the boat?

                                                                              CONRAD

I’m not claiming to know the water’s political, religious, or social positions. But, yes, to keep the discussion moving, “asylum,” sure.

                                                                              MANNY

All right. Well, that’s a very interesting idea. One that I’m more than willing to discuss. Later. Perhaps after we’ve managed to reach shore, for instance?

                                                                              CONRAD

Oh, I see, so we’re just going to dismiss my concerns over our actions to satisfy you own personal goals. I don’t like being minimized like this.

                                                                              MANNY

No one is trying to minimize you or your concerns. I apologize if I came across that way. I only meant to suggest that this philosophical debate might be better developed on land.

                                                                              CONRAD

Better developed!? Oh, I get it, now. I’m just going off half-cocked while you placate me. I’m not some child with fanciful ideas. I have logical, fully realized concepts.

                                                                              MANNY

Concepts that will be useless if this boat gathers any more uninvited guests.

                                                                              CONRAD

Perhaps, if you explained to the water the problem currently at hand, rather than just cruelly flinging it willy-nilly back with the rest of the water, it might cooperate.

                                                                              MANNY

I seriously doubt the water’s interest in cooperating with us in our current moment of need.

                                                                              CONRAD

Ah, so you’ve made a predetermined response based on an action no taken. You’ve just presumed to know the water’s mind.

                                                                              MANNY

Fine. The water’s a foot deep in here and I can’t bail fast enough - alone! - to make a difference. What should I say, to the water.

                                                                              CONRAD

Now you’re just patronizing me.

                                                                              MANNY

I don’t have time to patronize. I’m threatening you! No tell me!

                                                                              CONRAD

Fine. I’ll do it.

                                                                              (Beat)

Pardon me, water? I may not completely understand your desire to be inside our boat, but if any more of you continue to join us, the boat will sink and you will all be mixed together again. I am asking you to consider remaining where you are an we will see that those in the boat will reach safety.

                                                                              MANNY

What? So not only do we have to let the water stay in the boat, we have to take it home with us?

                                                                              CONRAD

We can’t just dump it back into the rest of the water. We just made a promise.

                                                                              MANNY

You made a promise.

                                                                              CONRAD

It was implied in the message that we were making the promise. We can’t have a traitor onboard, that would give the water reason for concern.

                                                                              MANNY

And in the meantime, we’ll continue to sink.

                                                                              CONRAD

No. Look. No more water is coming into the boat.

                                                                              MANNY

Well, look at that. The water level hasn’t changed.

                                                                              CONRAD

Well?

                                                                              MANNY

What?

                                                                              CONRAD

I think you owe, one, me an apology, and, two, the water a thank you.

                                                                              MANNY

Seriously?

                                                                              CONRAD

Have I been nothing but serious so far?

                                                                              MANNY

Frighteningly so.

                                                                              CONRAD

Well, then?

                                                                              MANNY

I apologize to you for not trusting you in the beginning.

                                                                              CONRAD

Thank you. And two?

                                                                              MANNY

Water, thank you for cooperating with us.

                                                                              CONRAD

I’m sure they appreciate your efforts.

                                                                              MANNY

Yes.... And look, the ground, obviously seeing your good nature, has come up to give the bottom of our boat a hug, thus interfering with the sinking of our boat.

                                                                              CONRAD

The ground rose up?

                                                                              MANNY

To give our boat a hug. See?

                                                                              CONRAD

That’s completely asinine. Anyone can see we’ve drifted toward shore and bottomed out on the beach. Really, where you get your ideas is beyond me. I’m going home.

                                                                              (Conrad steps out of boat and exits.)

                                                                              MANNY

Well, not even a proper good-bye.

                                                                              (Beat)

So, good-bye water, good bye ground. Thank you for another day of living.

                                                                              (Climbs out of boat. Exits.)

                                                                              (Lights down.)

My dream play would be....

I do wish that I could write a play about suicide that was so perfect that anyone contemplating suicide that saw the play would be moved to not go there, ever. I've written a few plays in the 31 days 31 plays events these last two years, and I've written short stories about suicide, too. I've never wanted to commit suicide, but I think about the absoluteness of it. About how it is an end to something that probably shouldn't have ended. Today's play for the 31 Plays 31 Days is one more of those suicide plays. Always I am looking for a way to say it perfectly. Perhaps one day.

Here's play #16

Paperwork                                                                                                         Earl T. Roske

Collette:    Female, younger than Mildred.

Mildred:    Female, older.

Note: Even though there are two chairs, Collette doesn’t have to sit and Mildred doesn’t have to remain seated.

(Lights up. There are two chairs. Mildred is sitting in one and flipping through papers on a clipboard. After a pause, Collette enters, slightly bewildered.)

                                                                              MILDRED

Ah, Collette, there you are.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Where? I’m sorry. I seem to be lost.

                                                                              MILDRED

Disorientation, dear, just part of the process. Come, we have paperwork.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Paperwork?

                                                                              MILDRED

Oh, yes. There’s always paperwork. Being born: paperwork. Getting married: paperwork. Buying a house: paperwork. Committing suicide: paperwork.

                                                                              COLLETTE

No I remember....

                                                                              MILDRED

Does take a while. Shall we?

                                                                              COLLETTE

Who are you?

                                                                              MILDRED

I’m Mildred. Now, the paperwork?

                                                                              COLLETTE

How do I know you?

                                                                              MILDRED

Really, dear, think hard. I am the personification of your Super Ego. You have killed yourself -- 

                                                                              COLLETTE

Pills. I took a bottle of pills. My moms.

                                                                              MILDRED

Yes, yes, we both know that already. Now, paperwork?

                                                                              COLLETTE

If I’m dead, why do I need to do paperwork?

                                                                              MILDRED

The paperwork is to determine if you really, truly wish to cease to exist. We’ve been through this before. Shall we begin.

                                                                              COLLETTE

I don’t need paperwork. I know I want to die.

                                                                              MILDRED

One: Do you want to die? Answer: Yes. Well, we’re moving right along.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Seems to me that we could stop right there and get on with the part where I’m just allowed to die and be done with all this.

                                                                              MILDRED

Dear, lots of people want to die but they never carry out the act of suicide. So that isn’t the end of the paperwork. No. Not by a long shot.

                                                                              (Beat)

Two?

                                                                              COLLETTE

Fine. Just. Just hurry.

                                                                              MILDRED

Got someplace to go? Oh, ha ha! I am such a hoot.

                                                                              (Clears throat.)

Where was -- oh, yes. Two: Did you leave a note? If so, why?

                                                                              COLLETTE

Yes. I wanted to say good bye. And explain.

                                                                              MILDRED

Oh, how thoughtful. All right, three: Will you be missed.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Oh, doubtful.

                                                                              MILDRED

Are you sure? Be sure, dearie, we want the paperwork filled in properly and completely.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Why?

                                                                              MILDRED

Because it’s paperwork and paperwork is always filled in properly and completely.

                                                                              COLLETTE

It. That doesn’t make any sense.

                                                                              MILDRED

That’s paperwork for you. Again, will you be missed.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Oh.... Maybe. Couple of the girls at school.

                                                                              MILDRED

Parents.

                                                                              COLLETTE

No. I don’t know. Maybe. They’ll probably be relieved.

                                                                              MILDRED

Relieved that their daughter has - oh, what’s the charming phrase? Oh, yes! - has offed herself? They’ll be glad to no longer have you around?

                                                                              COLLETTE

They don’t act like they would. Oh, sometimes they seem to care. Mom’s always trying to talk to me, but she’d never understand.

                                                                              MILDRED

Which you know because you actually talked to her and discovered she didn’t understand.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Well, no. I guess. Not exactly. See. I just knew she wouldn’t understand.

                                                                              MILDRED

So you didn’t even try? Tsk tsk.

                                                                              COLLETTE

She’s my mom. What would she know?

                                                                              MILDRED

What indeed. Anyone else going to miss you?

                                                                              COLLETTE

She’s always just cheerful and positive. I don’t think she’s ever hurt - inside - ever.

                                                                              MILDRED

I’m sorry? Who is this?

                                                                              COLLETTE

My mother.

                                                                              MILDRED

Oh, we’re still on that? I see. Well, I’m sure she’ll be hurting now, yes?

                                                                              COLLETTE

Oh. Yes. I suppose.

                                                                              MILDRED

Wonderful. Anyone else that’ll miss you?

                                                                              COLLETTE

Toby.

                                                                              MILDRED

The cat?

                                                                              COLLETTE

Yes, the cat. My cat. I’ve had her since she was a kitten. Always there. I could talk to her. She didn’t try to judge or tell me what to do or how to do it. She always tries to sleep on the pillow at night.

                                                                              MILDRED

Well, she won’t have to share it with anyone now. Moving on. Three: Will you miss anyone?

                                                                              COLLETTE

No.

                                                                              MILDRED

No? Want to give that some thought?

                                                                              COLLETTE

No. Yes. I don’t know. Toby, obviously.

                                                                              MILDRED

Obviously.

                                                                              COLLETTE

And - maybe - the girls in my group. Sasha, Amy, Joe, Nikki.

                                                                              MILDRED

Hm?

                                                                              COLLETTE

Yeah, fine. Probably my parents. Oh, and Ms Filliger, the history teacher. She was always telling us cool stories in school. Kept telling me how great I’d do in college.

                                                                              MILDRED

Well, you sure showed her.

                                                                              COLLETTE

What? What’s that supposed to mean.

                                                                              MILDRED

You’ve committed suicide. So you won’t be going to college and so you won’t do great in it. You showed her what’s what. Next -- 

                                                                              COLLETTE

I don’t want to do this anymore.

                                                                              MILDRED

That’s not an option. If you don’t finish the paperwork you can’t die.

                                                                              COLLETTE

I know. I remember that from last time.

                                                                              MILDRED

Times.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Times? What?

                                                                              MILDRED

Three is plural. So, not ‘time,’ but ‘times.’

                                                                              COLLETTE

I don’t like you.

                                                                              MILDRED

That doesn’t address the fact that you haven’t completed the paperwork.

                                                                              COLLETTE

I refuse. What are you going to do about that?

                                                                              MILDRED

If you don’t complete the paperwork you can’t go on and will have to go back.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Really!? Fine. Okay, then. I’ll go back.

                                                                              MILDRED

I thought you wanted to die?

                                                                              COLLETTE

Well.... I remembered a few things I wanted to do first.

                                                                              MILDRED

Hm. Well, if you’re refusing to finish the paperwork -- 

                                                                              COLLETTE

I am.

                                                                              MILDRED

Don’t be in such a rush. I was saying that if you don’t want to finish the paperwork you’ll have to return to your life, such that it is.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Good. How...?

                                                                              MILDRED

That way, dearie.

                                                                              COLLETTE

Thank you. And good bye.

                                                                              MILDRED

Maybe next time we can finish the paperwork?

                                                                              COLLETTE

Yes. In another sixty or seventy years.

                                                                              (Exits)

                                                                              MILDRED

That’s the spirit.

                                                                              (Lights down.)

Day 15 of 31! I have no idea where this idea came from.

So, there I was, feeding my daughter and then - wham! - this idea popped into my head. At first it was just the scarecrow and the farmer but then the crows got involved. Below, enjoy "Crow Mafia."

And did I mention that I have independently published my collection of the first ten 10-minute plays that have received full productions? Now available at Amazon. Looks like this:

Crow Mafia                                                                                                       Earl T. Roske

Scarecrow:            Anyone, any age.

Farmer Brown:      30s to 70s.

(Lights up on a field. Scarecrow is elevated, perhaps on a box. We can hear crows in the field. After a pause, farmer enters.)

                                                                              BROWN

Morning, Scarecrow.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Morning, Farmer Brown.

                                                                              BROWN

Nice weather, today.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Yep. Hear tell it’s gonna be a nice day, all day.

                                                                              BROWN

Really, now. Where you get that kind of knowledge.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Phil.

                                                                              BROWN

Phil?

                                                                              SCARECROW

Yep.

                                                                              BROWN

Now I may be confused, it being early in the morning and all, but I haven’t ever heard of no one near abouts named Phil.

                                                                              SCARECROW

                                                                              (Pointing.)

Well, that’s him over there.

                                                                              BROWN

Isn’t anyone that-a-way.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Yeah, he’s right there. Down right there.

                                                                              BROWN

That’s a crow, Scarecrow.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Yes, he is. Good with the weather, though.

                                                                              BROWN

I see. So you’re conversing with the crows, is it?

                                                                              SCARECROW

Well, yeah. Friendly is as friendly does.

                                                                              BROWN

Sure enough, but I didn’t put you up there to be friendly to the crows.

                                                                              SCARECROW

No. No I reckon you didn’t.

                                                                              BROWN

Fact is, I put you up there to scare away the crows. Kind of implied in your name: scare, crow. Scarecrow. You see it?

                                                                              SCARECROW

Yes, sir, Farmer Brown I am aware of my duties.

                                                                              BROWN

And you haven’t quite lived up to your duties it seems. There be a couple dozen crows around.

                                                                              SCARECROW
True. But, if you consider that a couple dozen is better than a couple hundred, well, that makes it seem like a couple dozen don’t much matter.

                                                                              BROWN

If there’s one, there’s a hundred. All crows have got to go. So, if you’ll pardon my being blunt, you need to get to scaring.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Well, I have done as you’ve required. But I’m only one scarecrow and I was having a might hard time trying to move off hundreds of crows. I’d scare them off from over here and they’d just fly over there. So then I’d scare them away from over there and they’d just fly on back to over here.

                                                                              BROWN

Nothing wrong with that. See, if they’re moving, they aren’t eating my corn.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Now, I know I’m just a strawhead, Farmer Brown, but I noticed that in the brief moment those crows touched ground, well, they’d get a couple kernels of corn. Considering there was hundreds of them that’s a lot of corn, even if just a kernel at a time.

                                                                              BROWN

Fair judgement, I’ll grant you that. But there aren’t hundreds now. There’s a hair over two dozen from the looks of it. That ought to be easy enough to scare off.

                                                                              SCARECROW

But the thing is, Farmer Brown, if I scare these crows off, then the hundreds will come back.

                                                                              BROWN

You’re right. You are a strawhead. How do you reckon scaring off these crows is going to attract hundreds more?

                                                                              SCARECROW

Phil.

                                                                              BROWN

Phil? The weather crow?

                                                                              SCARECROW

Oh, yes, but he’s more than just smart on the weather.

                                                                              BROWN

Oh, is he now? What else might he be?

                                                                              SCARECROW

Well, he don’t come right out and say it, but he’s -- 

                                                                              (Whispers)

the leader of the crow mafia.

                                                                              BROWN

Crow mafia?

                                                                              SCARECROW

Sh! He don’t like people talking about it. Almost lost one of my eyes until I learned it.

                                                                              BROWN

Now that’s just nonsense.

                                                                              SCARECROW

I promise you, Farmer Brown, that this isn’t nonsense. He come to me the other day and said he’d get rid of the hundreds of crows if I’d let him and a few “friends” hang out and help guard the fields.

                                                                              BROWN

And you believed him?

                                                                              SCARECROW

He proved it first. Made all the other crows go away.

                                                                              (Tries to snap his fingers.)

Just like that.

                                                                              BROWN

Just like that? That’s nonsense. You listen, Scarecrow, you make those crows get on out of my field or your straw is going to be in the belly of my prize heifer. That clear to your strawbrain?

                                                                              SCARECROW

Quite clear, Farmer Brown. But I would ask you to reconsider. A few crows is surely better than hundreds.

                                                                              BROWN

And no crows is better than any. Shoo them off. That’s what I put you here for.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Yes, sir, Farmer Brown.

                                                                              (To Phil.)

Phil? Hey, Phil! I’m really sorry, but you and your pals are going to have to move it on out of the fields.

                                                                              (Phil “caws.”)

Yes, yes. I did tell him. But I wasn’t able to make him see reason.

                                                                              BROWN

Now you stop with all this socialness. Shoo the crows.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Phil? You need to shoo now. Go on, shoo.

                                                                              (Phil “caws.”)

Yes, I know what’s going to happen.

                                                                              (Phil “caws.”)

Thank you for not taking it personal and the like.

(Sound of small group of birds flying away.)

                                                                              BROWN

No, there you go. No crows. So easy even you could do it.

                                                                              SCARECROW

It was a bad idea, Farmer Brown, sir.

                                                                              BROWN

Bad idea? Do you see any crows? I don’t see any crows. No crows is a good idea.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Over yonder.

                                                                              BROWN

                                                                              (Looking)

Where? That’s just a rain cloud. Looks like your pal, Phil, was wrong about the weather, too.

                                                                              SCARECROW

I don’t mean to seem disagreeable, Farmer Brown, but that’s not a rain cloud.

                                                                              BROWN

It most certainly is.

(Sound of hundreds, thousands, of birds flapping, cawing.)

I do stand corrected. That is a lot of crows.

                                                                              SCARECROW

Yes, sir, Farmer Brown. I did try to warn you.

                                                                              BROWN

Well, get Phil back here now! Call him. Hurry!

                                                                              SCARECROW

I don’t think it’s possible at his juncture. We’ve gone and disappointed Phil and I think the price is going to be high.

(Bird sounds are even closer, lights darken as the crows fill the sky.)

                                                                              BROWN

Next time you make a suggestion, Scarecrow.

                                                                              SCARECROW
Yes, sir?

(Bird sounds even louder, stage gets darker.)

                                                                              BROWN

Remind me of this day so I don’t forget to listen.

                                                                              SCARECROW

If I life to see another day, yes, sir, Farmer Brown.

                                                                              BROWN

I’ll check on you when it’s over. Good luck, Scarecrow.

                                                                              (Exits at a run.)

(Bird sounds get louder and louder and then suddenly veer away and grow softer and the light comes back up. A single crow “caws.”)

                                                                              SCARECROW

Why, yes, sir, Phil. I do believe you made your point.

                                                                              (Lights down.)