Bail Earl
T. Roske
Conrad: Human.
Manny: Human.
(Lights
up on a boat - rowboat size. Conrad and Manny are in the boat. Both have
bailing buckets, but only Manny is bailing.)
MANNY
Is there a problem?
CONRAD
Yes, there’s a problem.
I’m not sure that bailing is the right idea.
MANNY
Not the right idea?
Look. There’s water in the boat. Theoretically, the idea of a boat is too keep
the water out, thus allowing the boat to stay afloat. All I’m suggesting is
that we put the water back where it belongs.
CONRAD
Outside the boat.
MANNY
Now your on to it. Start bailing.
Now your on to it. Start bailing.
CONRAD
Maybe the water that’s
in the boat wants to separate itself from the water outside the boat.
MANNY
What? Are you implying
that the water in the boat may be seeking asylum from the water outside the
boat?
CONRAD
I’m not claiming to
know the water’s political, religious, or social positions. But, yes, to keep
the discussion moving, “asylum,” sure.
MANNY
All right. Well, that’s
a very interesting idea. One that I’m more than willing to discuss. Later.
Perhaps after we’ve managed to reach shore, for instance?
CONRAD
Oh, I see, so we’re
just going to dismiss my concerns over our actions to satisfy you own personal
goals. I don’t like being minimized like this.
MANNY
No one is trying to
minimize you or your concerns. I apologize if I came across that way. I only
meant to suggest that this philosophical debate might be better developed on
land.
CONRAD
Better developed!? Oh,
I get it, now. I’m just going off half-cocked while you placate me. I’m not
some child with fanciful ideas. I have logical, fully realized concepts.
MANNY
Concepts that will be
useless if this boat gathers any more uninvited guests.
CONRAD
Perhaps, if you
explained to the water the problem currently at hand, rather than just cruelly
flinging it willy-nilly back with the rest of the water, it might cooperate.
MANNY
I seriously doubt the
water’s interest in cooperating with us in our current moment of need.
CONRAD
Ah, so you’ve made a
predetermined response based on an action no taken. You’ve just presumed to
know the water’s mind.
MANNY
Fine. The water’s a
foot deep in here and I can’t bail fast enough - alone! - to make a difference.
What should I say, to the water.
CONRAD
Now you’re just
patronizing me.
MANNY
I don’t have time to
patronize. I’m threatening you! No tell me!
CONRAD
Fine. I’ll do it.
(Beat)
Pardon me, water? I may
not completely understand your desire to be inside our boat, but if any more of
you continue to join us, the boat will sink and you will all be mixed together
again. I am asking you to consider remaining where you are an we will see that
those in the boat will reach safety.
MANNY
What? So not only do we
have to let the water stay in the boat, we have to take it home with us?
CONRAD
We can’t just dump it
back into the rest of the water. We just made a promise.
MANNY
You made a promise.
CONRAD
It was implied in the
message that we were making the
promise. We can’t have a traitor onboard, that would give the water reason for
concern.
MANNY
And in the meantime,
we’ll continue to sink.
CONRAD
No. Look. No more water
is coming into the boat.
MANNY
Well, look at that. The
water level hasn’t changed.
CONRAD
Well?
MANNY
What?
CONRAD
I think you owe, one,
me an apology, and, two, the water a thank you.
MANNY
Seriously?
CONRAD
Have I been nothing but
serious so far?
MANNY
Frighteningly so.
CONRAD
Well, then?
MANNY
I apologize to you for
not trusting you in the beginning.
CONRAD
Thank you. And two?
MANNY
Water, thank you for
cooperating with us.
CONRAD
I’m sure they
appreciate your efforts.
MANNY
Yes.... And look, the
ground, obviously seeing your good nature, has come up to give the bottom of
our boat a hug, thus interfering with the sinking of our boat.
CONRAD
The ground rose up?
MANNY
To give our boat a hug.
See?
CONRAD
That’s completely
asinine. Anyone can see we’ve drifted toward shore and bottomed out on the
beach. Really, where you get your ideas is beyond me. I’m going home.
(Conrad
steps out of boat and exits.)
MANNY
Well, not even a proper
good-bye.
(Beat)
So, good-bye water,
good bye ground. Thank you for another day of living.
(Climbs
out of boat. Exits.)
(Lights
down.)
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